There is a lot of construction going on in Edmonton. So much construction that it is wise when planning a trip, even if that trip is just to the grocery store, to anticipate it will take you at least twice as long as it usually would. I don't mind construction. I mean, it stinks, but it's summer, we all saw it coming, I get the necessity and I wouldn't begrudge the workers or city planner or whoever if it weren't so incredibly badly managed. If you are shutting down an entire street/a major highway exit, it would be wise to post signs alerting people to this reality before it is too late for them to plan another route such that, at rush hour, hundreds of cars end up bottle-necking into dead ends that they then have to figure a way out of. It's just stupid. It doesn't take much planning or forethought to put a sign up saying "_____ exit/street closed." Seriously.

Also, why is it that the only women I see on these construction sites are the ones holding the "Slow/Stop" signs? I find this annoying. I don't really know anything about the construction industry, so I won't make any sweeping judgments. If there's some explanation for this (i.e. women are specifically applying for the position of sign holder rather than being dumped in that job) please let me know. Cause I find it disheartening that "women in the trades," in this case, means women standing at the side of the road all day holding signs. The situation irks me. I am irked.

Come on skinny love just last the year...

Today I passed a church marquee that read “It is desirable to seek purity.” I wondered what their definition of desire might be and then imagined the defeated pastor who chose such an unimaginative message.

I’m home again, mostly. I think my cat is depressed. I’m mostly discontented. Not quite depressed, just generally uneasy and restless. I just signed another 6 month lease and am instantly panicked about the decision, struck by an intense need to move away from here now that I cannot.

Yesterday a friend and I commiserated over the various forms of ickiness and psychic unrest brought to the fore by thesis-writing.

L: I keep dreaming of having babies. I’m always pregnant.
D: Yeah, while I was writing mine I was constantly having broken condom dreams.

Uncontrollable reproduction! AH!

Weird Muslim rule of the day: apparently it is forbidden for women to use tampons because their use resembles masturbation. I take this as further evidence that these rulings were all written by men. Men who are apparently terrible lovers with a serious misunderstanding of the mechanics of female masturbation.

I think everyone should go download some Girl Talk. He’s awesome. He now provides the musical background for all of my thesis writing dance breaks.

The sunset out my window is unusually purple. Purple and magenta. God is embracing his inner five-year-old girl tonight.

A week ago I received an email from one of my new muslim "brothers" (it feels odd calling these strangers with whom I have very little/almost nothing in common my brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles etc… strange and contrived and disingenuous). He was hoping I would be willing to be interviewed for a documentary he is putting together in an attempt to unread some of the unflattering interpretations of ayahs derived from out of context, poor readings. I was wary. A) I'm not all that familiar with the Qur'an, certainly not someone to ask re appropriate interpretations etc. B) I couldn't help but feel the sneaking suspicion that the reason my participation was so sought after was not so much because I might have useful things to say (that seemed doubtful) but because I possess dirty blonde locks and pasty white skin. "Look, look! The white girl doesn't think we're terrorists! She thinks Muslims are so awesome she even decided to become one! If the white girl's a muslim, how bad can they be? Did we mention she's white!?? See how "normal" she looks!? See? Muslims are just like you!"

But the guy doing the documentary is so far one of the few muslims with whom I can have a conversation and I figured I should probably not alienate any more of the community. Also, having had a few good conversations with him, it did occur to me that perhaps he might actually think I have something interesting or useful to say, and so I agreed to help out.

I really do like him and I think the project could be interesting and good, but the interview was mostly not. Questions like "When you hear people suggest that all Muslims are terrorists, what do you think? How does that make you feel," seem mostly useless to me. Answer: "It makes me angry and sad?" Seriously. What do you want from me?

A piece like this tends toward broad strokes and massive generalizations. And I understand that "the other side" is painting in broad strokes too, and so what is the alternative but to present an equally distorted, unrealistically rosey image of Edmonton Muslims? but I really didn't want to participate in that.

Sadly, I think I did. I quickly heard myself saying things like "Muslims are caring, friendly people. Get to know some." And feeling my self-respect dwindle. “They're just like you and I"/"make a token muslim friend!" Ultimately, none of the folk who think all Muslims are terrorists are going to see this production, and the overly positive assimilationist picture it portrays to everyone else just upholds the (I think) overriding sense among non-muslims that muslims are kinda different and that's okay as long as they walk, talk and act like the rest of us in public.

I think the real value and perhaps challenge in a project like this is to attempt to capture the nuanced character of the Muslim community, a community struggling with the challenge of maintaining a distinct, minority orientation towards the world within an incredibly different, often opposing, social frame. What sort of community does that create and why? I have seen and heard lots of perspectives on this, some offensive, most defensive, some insightful and nuanced negotiations. I have certainly met Muslims who seem "just like us" and Muslims who seem scary and extreme and Muslims who are clearly attempting to straddle the fence. All the Muslims I meet are very nice to me, very eager to help me out in any way they can, and that's great, as long as I accept their help, which generally comes in the form of instructions on how to dress, act, talk, be, look, feel, relate to God, and keep all my problems to myself. Ultimately, I've come to know an extremely insular community with a lot of unaddressed internal issues, a shitload of denial, but, also, enough good intentions, well wishes and helpful sentiments to eliminate world hunger through sheer will... and if stuff worked like that, it’d be a great community to be part of (and we would have ended world hunger!) But stuff doesn’t work like that. Fortifying borders and refusing to address problems simply because you don’t think they /should be/ Muslim problems is just stupid. There is a gaping canyon of difference between saying Muslims should strive to live in particular ways and saying Muslims always do live in these ways, moreover, they do so easily, without struggle or failure, because “western problems” do not affect Muslims. They do. Get over the shock and deal with it realistically and maturely.

Anyway, the point: “Muslims are friendly and awesome and caring and you should get to know some,” is maybe not the most useful or accurate message to be sending anyone, Muslim or non-Muslim.

So when I was asked "What do you think or feel when you hear people say that Muslims are extremists or Muslims oppress women" what I really wanted to say was that the good liberal impulses that once would have allowed me a very simple defensive reaction, negating the statement, are now gone. Now that I know Muslims, now that I’ve shed the naïve and patronizing liberal sentiments the documentary is meant to instill, I'm no longer comfortable saying that's wrong, absurd, unfounded, ignorant. The motivation for the statements is mostly wrong and ignorant, but I'm not going to blindly and generally insist Muslims aren't extreme, aren't oppressive to women. I have found this community very oppressive, as a woman and as a /person/. I have found it offensive. I have found uncritical homophobia, misogyny, essentialisms, frightening pro-life sentiments, and compassion, love and mercy only for those who stay strictly within the lines, within the rules.

In Islam, in the Qur'an, in the sirrahs, I have found a hope and a God and a way that makes sense. Not in the community. I think I mostly respectfully retire from the community.

hm... the embed doesn't seem to want to work. Let's try the link.

You should probably watch all of them. Sarah Haskins is great!

Yesterday I fled my tiny apartment-come-oven in search of asylum from the heat. I landed at the mercifully air-conditioned family homestead.

Now significantly less smelly, sweaty and overheated, I am back to work. 5 pages today. I will crack 25. Yes I will. To help in this effort, my siblings have provided a motivational wardrobe. Chris lent me his samurai t-shirt. It pictures a shadowy ninja, sword drawn, ready for battle and the word "Samurai" scrolled large at the bottom. Apparently he wears this whenever he feels the pressure of deadlines. He says it lends confidence.

Julia saw my samurai and suggested that tomorrow I try her version of this motivational technique. She proceeded to produce a t-shirt that reads "GI Joe: A Real American Hero"--the western version of persona-adopting as strategy for essay completion. I find it amusing that both my siblings consider this standard practice. Whatever works...

Also today my advisor relayed the tale of the children's book he once assigned as reading for his class on theorizing the subject:

"Did I ever tell you that one year I assigned a children's book for 333 entitled, The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business, in which a happy German mole pops his head out of his hole one sunny morning, only to have it pooped on. The rest of the book is about his obsessive search for who did it and how he got his revenge."

I promptly inquired as to the nature of this revenge. He replied:

"The culprit turned out to be a dog who was much larger. The mole climbed on the dog's head and defecated there, but because of the size difference, it was like a pea bouncing off the dog's nose and it was utterly indifferent, but the mole, convinced that he had won a great victory, returned delighted and deluded to his hole."

He also sent me these pictures:





I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom so as not to pee myself. I'm a bit confused as to why the mole hasn't removed the coil of shit from his head. I'm pretty sure that if someone were to poo on my head, that would be my first order of business.

Oh hilarious...

Yesterday I got an email from my good friend Ian. Ian recently completed a thesis and is now wasting time before he departs for Europe. Apparently yesterday his newfound time-wasting task led him to eHarmony.com where he proceeded to fill out their personality profile survey to see what the world of internet dating might have to say about his romantic prospects.

For those of you who know Ian, you're probably already laughing. For everyone else, I will say that Ian, though I love him dearly, is... abrasive. Pessimistic, dark and depressive to the point of near-absurdity and often intentional cruelty, he is the sort of person for whom insanity is ever-waiting just around the corner. If asked to sum up his personality I would say something like sociopathy meets suicidal ideation.

So it is not really a surprise that, upon completing the survey, eHarmony presented him with the following message:

"eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."

He forwarded the message to me and suggested I take a crack at the survey myself. So I did. My result:

"eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."

Ouch. "We regret to inform you that a complex matching system has determined that you will die alone. Unfortunately you are so unloveable we don't think it would be ethical to subject even sad, internet daters to you. Enjoy your hermetic existence."

Awesome!

UPDATE: Sarah gets to be happy, but apparently only with Chinese men. The front runners so far are Richard, who says the first thing Sarah will notice about him is that he's tall, dark, handsome, and has the ability to make people feel good about themselves. She might date Ryan out of pity. He's looking for someone who looks forward to seeing him... standards so very, very low. But then, the last book Ryan read and enjoyed:

"It was a book about the lives of bodybuiders. I liked that it showed that even though alot of them are on PED's it takes a total commitment to the goal to be successful and even though their sacrifices may not lead to success they continue in pursuit of their goals."

"Even though they are on drugs, they can still try really hard and not accomplish things they want to."

I would like to suggest that this is the least depressing Elliott Smith song. It's actually kinda happy. Must have been an off day for him. But it's one of my favourites:



London bridge is safe and sound
no matter what you keep repeating.
nothing's gonna drag me down
to a death that's not worth cheating.

for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art.
you put yourself apart.
I can't help you until you start.

It's maybe a little mean, but by Elliott's standards, this is joyous.